The following appeared in the March 28, 2001 | Issue 37•11 of "The Onion."Warm weather is just around the corner, and soon it will be time to dust off those bicycles. Here are some tips for safe riding:
Bicycle-Safety Tips
- Always use hand signals when turning at intersections. There's nothing motorists pay more attention to than hand signals from bicyclists.
- Leaving your bike out in the ice and cold all winter may cause serious damage. But it makes a nice subject for the cover illustration of a short-fiction quarterly.
- Always wear a helmet. If this makes you uncomfortable, think of the helmet as a crown and yourself as King Dorko.
- Placing your feet firmly on the pedals of the bike will help reduce the "Wheee" sound emitted from your mouth while going downhill.
- Insist on a bicycle made of solid matter. Liquid and vapor bikes are a passing fancy; argon frames are particularly shoddy.
- Taking your bike in for a professional tune-up is a great way to waste $25.
- Be sure to wear your seatbelt, even if just biking down to the corner store.
- Fat-bottomed girls may be riding today, so look out for those beauties, oh, yeah.
- Visibility is crucial when biking. Ride with a lit highway flare in each hand.
- Every three to four weeks, lightly oil the chain. Then dip it in flour and fry it for a real taste treat.
- As soon as you buy a bike, talk to your friends about how great Shimano crank sets and STX hubs are.
- Does your city have adequate bike paths? If not, consider bitching about it to your local government for the next 40 years.
- If rich, spoiled Francis Buxton steals your bike, go on a hilarious and heartwarming journey through the American Southwest to get it back.
- Bike safety can never be stressed enough. If you doubt this, try stressing it as much as you possibly can. It won't be enough–guaranteed.
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